It’s all the little things that make me fall more in love with you every single day. Things that may go unnoticed by one whom isn’t paying attention. No fanfare. No ticker-tape parade. Just a man, in love with a woman, letting her know in his own little ways every day how his heart beats for her.

The little things you do:
• Angel. Just a word in the dictionary:
  an⋅gel [eyn-juhl]
  –noun
  a person having qualities generally attributed to an angel, as beauty, purity, or kindliness.

  You have no idea the power it has when you call me your angel. A small gesture. Just a word, true, but one that encompasses everything.

• Your hand on my lower back as your stand just behind me. Protective. Possessive. Positive.
• Your gentle kisses on my forehead, absent minded I am sure, yet to me, mean the world.
• Foot Rubs from heaven! You take the stresses, the strains, the anxiety from the work day right out of me when you take me aside and give me that random foot rub.
• When my hand is in your hand, the way that you rub your thumb across the top of my hand/fingers. Or if your hand is resting gently on my thigh, how your thumb rubs back and forth on the surface of my leg. Soft, gentle, and full of love.
• Coming home to the house clean and the dishes done. Eases my soul like you don’t even know.
• The way you help with dinner. A partnership in the kitchen. Awesome.
• Your patience for my breaks. My broken-ness. Your strength gives me strength. I feel worthy when I am with you.
• You go out of your way to do things that will make my heart sing. Bloomfield. Shelton’s. Herb gardens. Believing in me.
• You believed in me enough to introduce me to your best friends/family. You brought me into your inner circle. You trusted me.
• You love my children.
• Soft kisses on my hand/fingers as you hold me protectively.
• Wrapping me up in your arms in the middle of the night. Holding me while I cry, shake and shiver in fear due to the night terrors. You do not yell at me to shut up. You protect me. You wake me. You hold me close to your body to reassure me that I am safe. You take the time to care and show the patience that PTSS needs.
• You take care of me when I am too busy taking care of everybody else to do it.
• You make me feel important.
• A gift in every drawer. Need I say more?
• Breakfast cooked for me before work.
• Flowers for no reason but you love me.
• Standing up for me in front of strangers/family/my children. Having my back in any given situation brings huge heart smiles. Knowing that I can count on you in those types of arenas is incredible to me.
• The twinkle in your eye when you smile at me and your heart is achingly full of love, desire, compassion and passion. The dimples on your cheeks grow deep when you smile at me, beaming from ear to ear with a full heart, a satiated soul and a deep sense of happiness that cannot be denied. Even the furthest stranger can see how content you are when your eyes meet mine and you have my hand in yours.
• Patience. Like that of a rock. Of a Pulitzer Prize winner. Constantly teaching of those things around me I crave to know; the things that life has already shown you, has already allowed you to absorb. And yet, you nary grow weary of my constant wonderment with all that you find mundane and boring. Your eyes nearly hold as much wonderment as do mine when you view things through mine. And for that it takes patience and understanding. Given to me freely. Beyond anything I could have ever hoped for before, since, or after.

These are really just a few things, off of the top of my head things, that I could throw together in to a list to let you know, mi corazone, how much you mean to me. How much each and every little thing affects me, my mood, my life, my stance, and my position next to you in this life we lead. I don’t think you truly understand the depth of it all, but maybe someday you will see. I see everything. I ache for everything you will graciously give to me. I am your angel and I crave every little morsel you send my direction. The list will grow, as will our love, and with each new moment of tenderness, I shall ingrain these precious little moments in my brain forever.

Te amo, mi amor. Mucho. Eres el aire que respiramos.

Looking at the strength and intensity of the love that I have for you, it is easily seen how one could confuse it with obsession. 20 years of love and adoration suddenly coming to a head face to face would sort of take on obsession like qualities to the naked eye, I suppose.

Trust me, mi amor, it is so much deeper and more substantial than obsession. I have my once in a lifetime. My one shot at that fairytale love, the kind that I never believe existed. My heart is bursting with so much emotion on any given day it’s hard to not run around with a mile wide grin, a squeal slipping through pursed lips and a genuine skip when I walk. Remaining grounded and solid is the most difficult thing I have ever done.

You have become physically a part of me. Being separated from you causes physical ache within my body. Being 5 minutes without your touch is awkward. The prospect of losing you again and facing another lifetime without you terrifies me like a child in a thunderstorm. There is weather all around us. My biggest threat is the instance of technology. The computer and how it can bring people into a world they believe is real, when they are no where near each other, and pull them from the very lives they have claimed to love and never want to leave.

“She makes me feel special.” “She really listens to what I have to say.” “She is there for me at any time when I need to talk to someone.”

A million times a day. I fear those words. I fear that scenario. I long to be able to be with you to hear your stresses, fill your needs, listen to you whenever you need. Alas, I am forced to leave your side, unlike that friend on the other side of the computer screen. I am drug to face the workforce every single day, making it so that I cannot be there for you as I should be. Causing me to abandon you, my corazone, possibly during times of high need. And yet, I cannot do a single thing about it.

I know that we are meant for each other. It’s a constant worry to me, that I can be enough for you. That I can give to you everything you might seek, all the things you need, leaving you satisfied and content every day. It is my prayer that I can provide for you the kind of haven within a relationship that offers all the sustenance, all the nourishment and all of the security that your heart could ever seek to desire.

As you do this for me. It is only proper that I should return it to you tenfold.

‘Tis not obsession, mi amor, but a great and epic love that is made to last through all the ages.

You said you don’t believe in me any longer.

You’re the only one who ever did.

Now what?

I feel so lost.

I just don’t know what to do with that….

You’re all I need beside me girl
You’re all I need to turn my world
You’re all I want inside my heart
You’re all I need when we’re apart
You’re all that I need

Every time I look at you, I love you deeper than the moment before.

Every time my eyes meet your tender gaze I loose my breath. I am in total awe of your love and how it envelopes my every fiber.

Every time you walk into the room, I am filled with a sense of purpose. My soul gets satiated when I am next to you. You heal me.

I recall telling you that I was broken.  I remember how you put me at ease, as only you can do.

Your voice soothes me. Your presence calms me.

You truly are all that I need.

I realize how blessed I am, how lucky we are to have found each other again. A second chance at a once in a lifetime love is more than any person usually ever gets. This miracle we find ourselves enveloped within. Eventually, I pray, my insecurities will evaporate and I will feel deserving of the love that you wash over me.

With you is where I belong. I am finally home.

I love my children completely, but that isn’t the same as your partner. It’s an entirely different kind of selflessness that doesn’t even compare.

Over the weeks I have morphed, inside. I have watched you, felt the way you love me, seen the way your actions follow your words and have come to rest in this odd place of faith and serenity. I feel confident and calm, and I’m so not used to that.

I’m not complaining mind you. Just in awe.

Every time I think I couldn’t learn any more from you, you teach me still. Each time I feel that my love for you couldn’t possibly get any deeper or stronger, I am caught off guard by the power in which my love for you grows. The only difference between now and the past few months is that I have found a place of security in our love that I hadn’t known before. There is no fear today, as there had been in all of my yesterdays. I am becoming comfortable in your love, finding my place in your heart and realizing that it’s not a fair weather thing. That you are really here to stay, through the storms and the bliss.

I had no idea that love could be like this.

Pushing 40, I know for the first time what true friendship, true love is. It’s sad to me on one level. Yet, befitting on all others. That it would be you who would show me these things I have longed for my entire life. That it’s always been you, and that makes sense to me now. Life makes sense to me now that I am with you.

I love the way you love me. I love the way being so deeply in love with you feels. I love how there are times that I look at you and I lose my breath as the reality of being with you hits me; I am really here, with you. I love your laughter, your sweet breathless “good mornings”. I love the way your skin feels against mine. I love being held close to your chest, hearing your heartbeat and feeling secure within your arms. I love how you call me angel. I love the time we spend taking pictures, talking as friends, co-parenting, sharing ideas and planning our life.

We are slipping comfortably into our new life together, and it fits just right. There isn’t anything that could be more right for me than this life I’ve chosen with you.

I have neglected you so much lately. I only hope that you can forgive me.

It has been my darkest hour, one of the hardest times I have ever had to face in life.  Yet, you have not left my side. It is your devotion to me that has kept me going through all of this. It is your love that has carried me, through the darkness, every step of the way.  I never would have made it this far without you.

You have given to me, more than any person has given to me ever in my life and I play to repay you, wholly.

Now, our little family we have created for ourselves is about to grow again. You have brought my son to me, his arrival the cause of butterflies and unending nervousness. Soon, I shall be meeting your baby girl, bringing her into our home and getting the opportunity to get to know her. It means more to me than you will ever know, more than words can ever express adequately. At the same time, I am terrified as it is all happening at the same time!

Yet, I feel as though I have let you down, as you continously enrich my life day in and day out. My attentions have been so focused on this battle to get my son here, that I have allowed myself to slack in my duties to you. You deserve so much more than you have gotten as of late. I am prepared to begin making it up to you. I pray that it’s not too late, that I haven’t set forth a precedence that I won’t be able to over come. I shall die trying. You are such an amazing man and you deserve so much more than I have been able to give to you thus far, but all of that is about to change.

Please know, that I think you are incredible and I will spend the rest of my life showing you how I feel about you. I have time. Don’t give up on me yet, mi amor.

I can’t wait to love you forever. I can’t wait to get our lives settled.

I don’t know how to make them mean something to you, but I suppose that is isn’t really important at this point.

I failed you on a fundamental level that is tearing my heart into tiny little pieces. Everytime I try and open my mouth to express to you the pain, the sorrow, the remorse, it comes out all wrong and you throw it back at me.

I don’t blame you.

I have this constant feeling that someone is sitting on my chest. That I can’t breathe, that I am trapped and my limbs are pinned down, keeping me from moving. My life, without you, is dark and empty and scary.

Yet, ’tis my own fault that you have moved away from me and taken your warmth with you. It is I who has failed you, who has failed us, deeply, dramatically, and as I fear, the damage is unrepairable.

I lie awake, begging God to help me fix this. In the darkness my tears cannot be seen, and they stream freely in an attempt to release the ache that has moved into my heart; to no avail. You are the most important person in the world to me. You were my love, my best friend; everything. My own life means nothing without you by my side and I have made you go away.

Meaningless to you I know, but my apology is deeply heartfelt. I vow to you that I will be better, I will be a better wife, a better woman, one to whom you won’t have to get so angry with. I will be the woman that you deserve and as always, I  love you more every day as you make me strive to be a better person.

I promise, I will do everything in power to not let you down.  Please, forgive me.

Like a bad night terror. Being in your arms brings me strength, peace, hope and warmth. Knowing that I have you on my side. Knowing that you love me is the one thing that can see me through anything. Knowing I am not alone and I don’t have to face these demons alone eases my duress and fills me with a hope I’ve never known before.

I wish I could bury my face in your chest right now and just let it all cry out while you hold me protectively against your warm body. I wish I could hear your voice in my ear, reassuring me that everything is going to be all right. I wish I didn’t have these moments of weakness at all and that I didn’t need you like I do. I’ve tried. I fail every time. I do need you. I am nothing without you.

I hate feeling this vulnerable, but I have succumbed to it and am allowing it envelope me, almost like a the mist of a fog that wraps it’s self around the land, blurring the edges and softening my cries.

Come home to me, mi amor. Hold me. Your strength is what will see me through the darkness. It will guide me through this storm and beyond my weakness because I know that I don’t have to face anything alone ever again.

All of it tells me that this is going to be our year. This is going to be the best year ever, and we need to grab hold and don’t let go! No matter what. It’s our time. It’s our place. The powers that be have allowed us to be brought together, finally, to realize what we have dreamt of our entire lives! They allowed us the end of 2008 to work out the kinks, get our affairs in order and begin to settle into what is to be our lives for the rest of our lives. Together. Forever.

I feel so empowered with you by my side. I know there is nothing that will come our way that we won’t be able to handle as long as we face it head on side by side. You are my strength, my guide, and my song. You and I are invincible. We proved it, over these past 20 years, that our love will never die. That nothing and no one could ever take it away or cause it to break. Now is our chance to prove it to the rest of the world. To our children and our grandchildren!

2009 truly marks the beginning for us. We’ve merged beautifuly so far with relatively few bumps along the way. We’ve not been thrown off course and each day we cherish our love as though it were the first day. My love for you only grows stronger and deeper with each passing day. With each road bump and hurdle we face, I grow to respect you, count on you, trust you and rely on you ever more.  You calm my fears and silence my cries and you have truly become all I will ever need.

I have so many hopes and dreams for us! I plan on doing everything in my power to make them all come true too. I long for 2009 to be the happiest you have ever been. The most contented, the most satisfied. I long to fulfill your every need. I want you to look back on this year come 2010 and know that you made the right choice by chosing to bring me back into your life. I want you to feel the best you’ve ever felt. I want you to feel secure and loved and to realize how amazing of a man you truly are. These are just a few of my New Years Resolutions. I’m not big on the whole resolution thing, but this year, my one resolution is to be better for you. A better wife, a better mother, a better friend, a better person, a better woman. In accomplishing this goal, I will then be able to accomplish my goals regarding you. Before the year is out, you will never doubt me or yourself again.

We.

You and me.

Together we are strong.

Together we can achieve anything.

I never questioned that I truly loved you.

When our communication stopped, and oh how I wish I knew then what I know now, I knew in my heart you still loved me. No matter what the situation was in your life, whatever it was that took you away from me, I knew your heart still belonged to me. When you pushed me away, it tore me up inside and left gaping wounds. I couldn’t understand, as I didn’t know the whole story, why you were trying to convince me that you didn’t love me. I believed you were pushing me away not because you didn’t love me, but because I wasn’t good enough for you – and yet, I knew you still loved me.

I never questioned that you still loved me.

Both of our lives went on in thier own directions, taking us down paths that were to teach us lessons, perhaps? Throughout my life you have always been there. You have been my cheerleader, you have been my rock, you have been my light. I have always known, that no matter what, you were the one in my corner, that you would always be there for me, and I would always be there for you. Of all the people in my life, there has never been a single one that I could look at and know with certainty that they would never turn their back on me, except for you.

I never questioned your loyalty.

Even though I had committed myself to you wholly so many years ago, I spent my life searching for what we had, trying desperately to find our brand of love in another man, in other relationships only to fail over and over again. I looked for you in every corner of my life, trying to replace what I’d lost to the ages with other men. Everything I did failed because my heart always belonged to you. You were the only man I’d ever love. You were the only man that I was meant to be with, therefore making every effort otherwise futile. I could never make another relationship work when my heart belonged only to you. How silly of me to ever think otherwise and what a terrible waste of time. No matter how hard I tried, I would forever fail at anything that didn’t include you as the main element in my life.

I never questioned my undying commitment to you.

Through the years, I watched with tinges of jealousy as another woman walked the path of life that I knew was meant for me; the one of wife, friend, companion – the one that was along side of you.  Even though I was watching your life unfold before my eyes, my heart never let go of the hope that one day it would be me. That the day would come that I would finally get my chance to hold you and love you the way that I was always meant to.  I clung to the belief that you were my soul mate and that I would take my rightful place at your side at some point in life.

I never questioned that we were meant for each other.

Time and the tides have finally turned our way. I have finally found my way home, to you, to your embrace and into your heart. My life is complete. I have what I have coveted my entire life. I, again, have the chance to look into your eyes, to know love lives there. To bask in it, to revel in it, to thrive within it. A hungry and thirsty wanderer, you have found me and have again revived my spirit and fed my soul. I will never again know a breath without you. I will never again spend a night crying to be in your arms, praying to God that you are happy and safe.  Recently there has come into my path the opportunity to question my decisions to come to you. To step back and ask myself some long hard questions regarding my choices as of late. No matter how many times I turn it over and over in my mind, there is never any question. There never arises any doubt that the choices I have made, the path that I have taken and the road before me aren’t exactly what I have always wanted and exactly where I longed to be. There is no question in my heart or my mind. This is the only right thing I have done in my long life since falling in love with you in the first place. This is the only place I have ever belonged. You are the only man I have ever loved.

I will never question our now.

I will never question our tomorrow.

I will never question us.

You are my life, my lover, and my best friend. I am the luckiest woman in the world; no question.